"She's a little bit OCD."
Have you ever heard - or said - those words? I have, long before I understood what Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder really was.
When in fact, there's nothing "little" about how OCD robs you of your time, energy, and peace, turning life into a series of exhausting thought spirals and rituals.
I've written before about my experiences with OCD and recently posted a Reel about it.
I'm no medical professional, but what I am an expert in is my own mental health. And so, in this blog, I’ll share:
My personal journey with OCD
The specific challenges I faced
The recovery methods that helped me cope with OCD
The lessons I learned along the way.
If you or someone you know is struggling, my story may offer insight and hope - if it helps just one person, I'll consider it worth the vulnerability hangover I'm feeling as I type!
What is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
OCD is wildly misunderstood by many (my former self included).
Handwashing, checking locks, and tidying cupboards may spring to mind. And OCD may look like that for some. But anyone who's been to my house will confirm OCD doesn't always manifest as a spotless home.
OCD is complex, but here's a summary to help you understand what could be OCD symptoms, and start to recognise and manage OCD in yourself or offer understanding to a loved one.
The obsessive part begins with an unwanted thought or concern that spirals into compulsive behaviour in an attempt to cope with the uncomfortable feelings that usually arise. It's an anxiety-driven disorder which creates an impossible cycle you feel trapped inside.
The anxiety fuels the obsession and compulsion(s), which creates more anxiety and the cycle repeats: it's impossible to find relief, so people with OCD will continue to obsess and search for answers.
And if that sounds utterly exhausting, it is.
Different types of obsessions and compulsions (which may surprise you)
So, how can obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours show up in different areas of our life?
Contamination
Most obsessive thoughts are fuelled by fear, in this case, fear of dirt, germs, and contamination. The compulsion may come in the form of repetitive hand washing, or cleaning, or you may try to avoid touching door handles or eating in public - as you can imagine, this can be so restrictive to your life.
Checking
Checking the door is locked, making sure appliances are switched off. In a different context, it might be checking past conversations, text messages, emails, or documents.
The fear could be perfectionism, or preventing harm - fears we all experience, but often don't spiral into compulsive behaviour you feel forced to perform.
Many forms of OCD will feature a lot of reassurance-seeking - another form of checking. The OCd I struggled with caused me to obsessively seek reassurance from the internet, friends, and my husband that I wasn't a bad person or that I wasn't going to harm anyone.
Rumination
In OCD, rumination sees us worry about something obsessively...but we can never find a satisfactory answer. The more you search, the more paths you may try to go down.
We all ruminate. But someone struggling with OCD will find it hugely impacts their day and drains their time.
Rumination often shows up as health anxiety, where you may Google symptoms and fall down a rabbit hole of potential diseases and issues, amplifying your feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and helplessness.
Intrusive thoughts
I like to call them sticky thoughts (I didn't coin that one - it's from the book I've linked in the resources section at the end).
Intrusive (or sticky) thoughts are repetitive, usually disturbing and often relate to causing harm to someone you love or going against something that you morally believe to right. They can crop up seemingly out of nowhere and feel shocking - especially because they're often the opposite of your actual personality and beliefs.
Someone who has experienced an intrusive thought might think "I would never do that, so why did I just think it? Am I secretly a bad person capable of serious harm?" and so the anxiety ramps up, and guess what? Intrusive thoughts love anxiety, they feed off it, and so a vicious cycle can begin.
We all have weird, wacky, scary thoughts sometimes. The difference with someone who has OCD is that thoughts will stick and spiral out of control, making the sufferer doubt everything they thought they knew about themselves.
A common thread behind all OCD symptoms
There's a common factor behind the obsessive thoughts and feelings and subsequent behaviours - it's usually attached to what matters to you most in life.
It might be your loved ones, your health, your relationships. It feels so important you feel you must fix it, unable to see how unhealthy, counter-productive, and ultimately damaging the so-called "fix" is.
My experience of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
11 years ago, I was trying to adapt to life with a newborn baby and a three-year-old.
It all began with one disturbing thought. Like a seed that had planted itself in my mind, it started to grow, becoming more persistent and intrusive until it consumed every waking moment (and many sleeping ones, as I'd wake in the night in a state of sheer panic).
The thought was unsettling, something I never would have consciously entertained. It didn’t make sense, yet it felt too real to dismiss - and I couldn’t shake it off.
I sought reassurance from others, constantly needing validation that I wasn’t a danger to anyone. I scoured the internet for answers, desperate to calm my racing mind. But the more I searched, the more I dug myself into a hole. The anxiety didn’t subside - in fact, it grew stronger. OCD is a bully whispering in your ear, telling you to doubt yourself and question your every move. And eventually, you start to believe it.
The compulsions were my way of trying to manage the fear, but I wasn’t controlling it - it was controlling me.
OCD is also sneaky, so it will jump from one subject to another out of the blue. Even once I knew I was living with OCD, I didn't recognise when my obsession suddenly transferred into a different area of my life.
Watching a documentary about animal welfare one day triggered a move into vegetarianism, then strict veganism, and eventually an all-consuming quest to go cruelty-free in every aspect of my life.
Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with doing any of those things: it was the way it dominated my life and became an obsession. There was always a new angle to worry about and I would even find myself writing to companies demanding answers and struggling to rest until I had them.
The turning point: three crucial parts of my OCD treatment
Eventually, I recognised I needed professional help, and my recovery had three main elements that changed everything for me.
Speaking to a professional
Both of the times my OCD was at its worst, speaking to a professional saved me. Having a professional tell me I was okay, I wasn't a bad person, and that what I was experiencing was textbook OCD was an incredible relief and the lifeline I needed to start recovery. No matter what I confessed to, the doctor would reply "Yeah, that's OCD" - an incredibly comforting thought when you're convinced you're the problem.
Accessing CBT & ERP therapy
A therapist introduced me to Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy technique, to manage my OCD.
It involved facing the things that triggered my anxiety and learning to resist compulsions.
At first, ERP felt terrifying - and counterintuitive. My brain was screaming at me to run from the source of my anxiety, but I learned that confronting it head-on was the only way to break the cycle.
It was uncomfortable, exhausting, and challenging, but over time I realised part of recovering and managing OCD was accepting that the thoughts would still come and go and that I couldn't make them stop. Conversely, what was required from me was resisting the overwhelming urge to make them go away which forged a path toward reduced anxiety. And guess what? The intrusive, sticky thoughts naturally started to diminish over time as I put less effort into fighting them! I never believed I would be without them, but I'm here to tell you that this therapy worked.
Taking medication
I’ve always been a pragmatic person, so I struggled to understand how medication could help with the constant thoughts racing through my mind. I wasn’t anti-medication though - I was open-minded and wanted to help myself get better.
I now know that medication didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts, but it helped bring down the anxiety I was experiencing so I was in a better state of mind to access the therapy I needed and commit to the treatment.
Living with OCD: redirection and relaxation
As I continued my therapy, I also learned the importance of redirection and relaxation.
When OCD tries to rear its ugly head - which it can still do from time to time - I find ways to redirect my attention. I can't stop the intrusive thoughts; instead, I have to let them come and go while giving them as little attention as possible and instead shift my focus to something else.
For me, redirection is distracting myself with activities I enjoy - listening to the radio or a podcast, talking to someone or going outside. Even, when I was at my worst and it was the middle of the night, I'd put the radio on and make a cup of tea to shift my focus from fixating on the obsession.
Because OCD is fuelled by stress and anxiety, it struggles to exist in a relaxed state. So, when I feel tension rising, I focus on calming my nervous system and doing something relaxing.
Even though I've completed my initial treatment for OCD, recovery doesn't mean an end to all obsessive thoughts. Sometimes, sticky thoughts reappear, especially when I'm tired, stressed, or premenstrual. Except now, I see them for what they are - just random thoughts that can be allowed to pass - and not a reflection of my character or intentions.
How to support a loved one having obsessive thoughts and compulsions
If you’re reading this and someone close to you is dealing with OCD or mental health struggles, I want to offer a few words on how you can help.
Be there
Letting them know you’re there and you love them no matter what can make all the difference. Mental health struggles can make people feel isolated and alone. Reassurance without judgment is powerful. Make it clear there's no pressure to reply to a message (as this can cause extra stress) but keep letting them know you're there.
Encourage professional help
It can be tough to encourage someone to seek help, especially if they’re in denial or embarrassed. But if you’re able, gently suggest they make an appointment with their GP. Even if they don’t do it initially, it might plant a seed.
Understand the stigma
There's a huge stigma around mental health, and many people are reluctant to seek help. Let them know it’s okay to seek help, open up about your own experiences and remind them mental health is just as important as physical health. We all have physical and mental health and we will all experience times when one or the other needs some form of help and support.
Hope for recovery from OCD
I never thought I’d say it, but OCD no longer runs my life. It doesn’t mean I’m “cured”, but I’ve learned to see the patterns, accept the uncertainty, and respond in ways that help me de-centre intrusive thoughts and keep moving forward because life is just too precious to devote all of that time to such a debilitating disorder.
If you’re struggling with OCD, I want you to know recovery is possible. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight, but with the right help and support, you can take control of your life again. I’m living proof of that, and you can be too.
Resources:
Reading: Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening or Disturbing Thoughts by Sally M. Winston & Martin N. Seif
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